deep breaths

"easy, there you go ọkọ mi."

Here's to hoping that I break this heavy brick that is pressing down on my chest making it difficult for me to breathe, by the time I conclude this letter. What exactly is causing this heaviness? Well part of it is that I'm too lax, and I give up too easily. Let's try music on. If it doesn't help I'll put it off. Idk if it's just me, but there are these times where music just doesn't cut it. You're too torn to even focus on the music, that it becomes noise. This time where you're seeking solace in silence, total silence. Okay I put my therapy playlist, let's see how it goes. I really can't put into words this heaviness. I'll just take deep breaths and exhale, and hope I let it all go.

I'm too lax and give up too easily. Back in secondary school. JSS 2 if I'm not mistaken. We got a new student transfer to our school, my class. This guy came in from a boarding school. He did things I did. He loves music, he draws, he is cool, and to top it all, this guy was crushing on the girl I was in love with. It soon seemed like he was winning everybody over. I began hearing statements like “Gorimapa can draw more than you can, Seun.” (his name isn't that btw, lol.) All this one I could live with, but! I started to feel like he was cooler than I am. He was even having his way with my girl really fast. I slowly began to give in. I gave up totally when on her birthday, he gave a thousand naira note, and I couldn't afford her nothing. I thought he was really cool and mature and I was just fooling around. All through this I acted like it was all cool, he was my close friend too. Story for some other timeeeeeeuh.

I always feel like there's always so much more I could do. So, when it hits me that I'm seeing a little a lot of movies and animes, or that I'm getting a lot of sleep, or that I'm spending a lot of time on my phone, I feel guilty. I tell myself that there is so much I could do with the time I waste lazing around. But of course I ignore that voice. I always feel like I could do, or could have done better. Like, if I put in a little more effort, I'd bag something huge.

I want to assume I'm not the only one that deals with the urge to restart a book the moment I feel like I've been reading with my brain and not my heart the whole time, or when I abandon the book for a long time.

I want back in with Jesus. I want to pray again, I want to read the bible again, happily. At the moment, I have too much free time. And I'm not being productive with it. Instead I waste not only time, but my hard earned data too, downloading pirated films. I have tons of movies, animes and cartoons stored on my phone right now. When I'm done with them I get back to being fully aware of my misery. I feel like January up until now has been a waste. I don't want to close this year the same as the last. It will break me. There's only so much a boy can take.

I also added to my long list of potential EP/Album titles today. “We'll be alright”, “The boy will be fine”. I don't know which to settle for. Speaking of music, I finally broke my shell. I decided to release a demo on public streaming platforms. “What's the worse that could happen?” Like a friend said. If worst comes to worst, out of 50 streams, I stream 40 out of it myself. Or better, I just take it down again and glue my shell back together and crawl back in.

I started something. I hope it doesn't stop there. There's lots more to do. I want to write a book too. “Love happened at Ikorodu.” Sounds funny? It'll be my one experience with love diluted with bits of fiction here and there. I’ll start it here sha. I've always seen myself hosting interviews for the longest time too. Might just say, “to hell with it all” and get on with everything. Because, idk I feel like my laziness is deliberate. Like I'm intentionally sleeping on myself. Probably because of anxiety, or trauma, or anything, idk.

My chest feels lighter *exhale.

edit: ọkọ mi sounds like something grandma would call me, love her sm.