i don't think i'm that impressive

i think i give myself too much credit

…way more than I'm actually worth, or I think I worth?

Self Reflection

How should I put this? I think I'm mad impressive (or was it all my delusions all along?), but still at the same time, I cringe whenever somebody tells me how talented and impressive they think I am.

“Alábósì… Hypocrite… Liar… Fraud…”, I would hear me whisper in frequencies too shallow for other humans to hear.

Especially when they tell me how they envy me and would love to be like me. I hate it. Is it hate? Because I really don't think I have it in me to hate. Even the things that mars my spirit, I don't hate, so I struggle almost hopelessly, trying not to drown in a river where I should walk on.

Quite a few times, maybe a little more that the few I paint, I indulge these delusions and let myself live an empty dream.

There's a length compliments and appreciation get to that it becomes flattery.

And then when it all goes away, I crumble and go into this state that would get you to ask if I was okay. I am okay, I'm just getting reminded that wishes weren't horses. That's just reality coming, rushing with a force and pressure strong enough to lift Thor's hammer. Call it paradox? But I think I'm impressed with myself. Or have I been deluding myself? Did I subconsciously create a coping mechanism to deal with reality? I don't know, but what I do know is that feeling when I write a piece that I think is badass and mad poetic all the same. What I do know is the colours my eyes display when with my -not so impressive and amateurish and i wish and half-baked knowledge of photography- I take a picture of something random and it's comes out magical. Funny how I find a zillion faults in what I think is perfect. What I know for real, is the rush of dopamine I get whenever I write and record a verse and it comes out just as I'd imagined, but just a hair's length short of the quality I imagined. What I know is when with my fake ass and non-fundamental skill I create something so badass, or I think is badass. Am I placing too much weight on myself? Strangely, I feel really calm typing all these.

Should I call it self evolvement?

I really don't know what to call it, but I feel like I'm growing even though it doesn't seem like it. I'm learning to be more open minded and to do things with an open mind. Normally, Seun would engage in something with an expectation at heart, and if something falls short of his expectations, Seun would ditch something.

But now Seun is learning to be more open minded with his approach to art and life in one. I don't want to talk ill about any creative ever again. Because everybody has some substance in what they create. Every creation of a creative, is a piece of them brought alive. And beating down their efforts to create is just uncool, being a creative. Making fun of somebody's attempt to create life is dumb. You can criticize, sure. But criticism has its limit. When you overdo it, it becomes jest and purely inhuman.

thank you for reading my letter to me.