i thought i knew me

ase i was deceiving myself the entire time

i don't recognise the person i see whenever i look in the mirror these days. i thought i had me all figured out. the future probably laughed to my back patiently waiting for me to walk into where i am now. i find it so funny.

before school, i usually have so little or zero contact with people, except with my dad and younger brother. now it's like i've been isolated from society for way too long that i don't know how to manage people. like dealing with people is a science course i left out earlier in life, only to come face it in school—human science i call it. i deal with so many people, more that i can handle. and this experience has shattered every image of myself i held.

living isolated from people, i never had anybody mock me about my irregular hairline, or make ill remarks about me. heck, everybody i know, at home and at church (the only places i frequent, lol) likes me, or it looks like they do, idk. i developed heavy trust issues because as a result of having to deal with too much people (i believe, and it seems like majority of the persons that flock around me are only there for what they feel like they can benefit. they don't remember me until they need something i can help them with). i didn't really care about what i looked like, how i dressed. yo! i haven't bought a pair of shoe in years because i “don't have anywhere that required i wear a shoe”. well, turns out i have a lot of places that requires it now. nobody reminded me about the things i didn't like about myself, so i believed i had overcome them.

“nothing can shake me again”, lmao, lórí irọ.

there wasn’t anybody or circumstances that challenged my convictions, value and standards. i was just all by myself in my delusion and an identity of myself where i thought i had everything about me figured out. when i left that comfort zone, everything came apart. i don't even recognise myself anymore.

i am learning that a lot of things are really not as deep as i believed them to be. i'm becoming more open minded, without compromising my values. the moment i caught wind of this change, i tried to fight it.

“seun this is not you. you don't like doing this. you said you won't do that.”

but now i'm questioning why i decided not to do, or dislike certain things. i'm rethinking my standards. this moment wrecked me sb. i tried to revert back to the version of me i was resolved that i was. it was conflicting. it was hell. i was a living mess. i started to heal when i embraced the change i was going through and let myself live in the time i am. i set new standards to guide the person i'm becoming and held on to my values and convictions, my very being.

i thought i was over stage fright because i held sermons and praise and worship at church. this one's funny. my hands were shaking when i performed my song for the first time ever at a school picnic. it was the same the second time. even when i had my first stage performance—though i was able to gather sufficient composure that lasted me through probably the most thrilling two minutes of my life.

i learned to be more confident about what and how i feel—with people I've built a level of closeness with at least. i had my first fight with a friend, we talked out our differences. it was beautiful. now i'm sorting.

i mentioned human science, right? lol, i failed with flying colours in the science of dealing with girls. it's like i’d been alone for too long that i was entertaining everything and everyone. i confused somebody being nice for them being interested in me. i began to see every girl i got involved with in some way as a potential candidate for a girlfriend. i was desperately craving for attention and affection. it was pathetic. i'm still inexperienced in this science by the way.

i learned to respect people's feelings irrespective of my opinion of their reaction. feelings are subjective, and that we shouldn't downplay someone's reason for feeling a certain way, because we think it's not that deep.

i learned how easy it is to get carried away, to want to give up on your values and convictions—spiritually, this time. i met people, lol. not only people by the way. circumstances even—you’re willing to abandon your values for 10 minutes and be somebody you're usually not. don't get me wrong. i want to live. i don't want to be too uptight. i want to go out and have fun—make up for experiences i was denied as teenager. but not at the cost of my identity.

i'm glad i could offload this. thank you for reading.